Origin Stories

So, this being my first post, I wasn't exactly sure what I wanted to write about, or what would effectively resonate with readers. Brainstorming, I decided I would like to give a little information about myself, and what led me to pursuing this route in creative industries, as I do wonder if many others had similar circumstances. As a youth, I was always interested in things that were considered impractical. I loved to draw, paint, play music, sports, etc. Things that my parents often did not consider to be viable careers. I had a wandering mind, often buried in a book about some dystopian world or some other far-off fantasy. 

My life at home wasn't at first glance a negative experience, but as I reflect on my childhood, I recognize that I did not spend much time at home. I was always outside in the neighborhood or at a friend's house. My mom was working two jobs to make ends meet, and at the same time a nursing student, so I hardly saw her as well. I can recall that she was often stressed and easily irritated at this time, so I learned to disassociate from home. The confinements of being too loud or disturbing the little peace my mother was able to attain at that time would often escalate to undesired consequences. The only time I can definitively state that I was at home were Friday evenings and Saturday’s. This was due to me growing up in a Seventh Day Adventist household, something that I realized that I have not talked about with those who were close to me. It was an identity that had also lent its own fair share of trauma to my upbringing.

As a child, I did not know what it really meant to be an Adventist, all I knew was that it was my parent’s religion. Instead of Sundays, we went to church on Saturdays, and everyone involved was in some type of medical profession. My parents divorced when I was pretty young, so I don’t have any memories of them together, but I do know that ever since the day I could form a thought process, they both encouraged me to seek education mainly in some type of medical field. Ironically, they were the initial inspiration as to why I did not. As a hobby, both my parents encouraged music amongst my siblings and I.

My mother loved to sing, and my father who was also blind, could play what seemed to me like every instrument in the world. They both had artistic souls, and I believe if it wasn't for the pressures of their upbringing and religion, they would have pursued these talents even more. It was in elementary school that I expressed to my father that I wanted to join the school band and play the saxophone. He was excited about my decision, but instead bought me a trumpet which I later learned was just an extension of his own personality and personal endeavors, and also taught me how to play the piano. 

It was through music that I became aware of who I was creatively. Something clicked in my mind, I began to pay attention to things that I wouldn't have before. Architecture, as I began to see the various music halls that we would play in, various forms of art as you just naturally become exposed to it in music, and fashion as the crowds did bring some interestingly dressed people; my father and mother being two of those people as well. Both my parents took great pride in the way that they presented themselves. My mother always wore a nice dress to events, and every time I visited my fathers house, he would often boast about a new suit that he bought. I would often sneak into his closest to get a glimpse of these suits that he spoke so highly of. 

The day that my mind was opened to fashion and design I will never forget, as it remains a core memory of my childhood. I had torn my pants at school, and was deeply devastated due to them being my favorite pair. I brought them with tears in my eyes to my mother, who was also disappointed that I ripped them. However, to my amazement she pulled out a needle and thread from her closet and sewed together the hole; Immediately I was inspired. I asked her to show me how she did it. It was something I had never seen my mom do in my lifetime. All I knew about her at the time was that she worked really hard for my siblings and I to have the things that we had, so I think maybe I was more happy about the fact that the pants were restored versus having to have her buy me another pair. Unbeknownst to my mother, I took to heart everything I was shown that day, and when she went back to work I stole her sewing kit, and sewed all the other holes I had kept secret in my other clothes. To this day I actually still have it amongst some other meaningful belongings. 

Why I wanted to share this story is because unfortunately, despite all these seemingly positive influences that shaped these thought processes, they were quickly overtaken by verbal abuse, self-doubt, and other forms of negativity from the very source of my inspiration. My uncle on my mother's side came out as gay, and it created a dynamic in my family that even now in my late twenties I am learning to heal from. Despite being my uncle, he was just seven years older than me and only a year separated him and my sister. I looked up to him more as an older brother, and he too had a contribution to my desire to pursue fashion and other creative outlets as a career at a young age. He would often give me his clothes that he hardly wore, but they greatly elevated my closet and sense of style. In most Christian families' topics revolving around sex and homosexuality are usually considered taboo, and not handled in ways that benefit youthful minds 

My relationship with my uncle was immediately condemned by my mother. I was taught to feel that him being gay was essentially a betrayal to our family, that he would try to convince me to become gay myself, and that I should no longer associate with him. This subject would become a recurring theme throughout my life. As I became a teenager, and often expressed my desire to pursue fashion, and other creative mediums as a career to my mother, the conversations would quickly escalate to claims of me being manipulated by my uncle and that my desires were not my own. My sexuality was often blatantly challenged by my mother which created a quite jarring experience for someone of my background. I knew that I was not gay, but such an accusation from someone who I looked up to left detrimental questions in my mind.

I would eventually abandon all aforementioned desires, as I could not deal with the mental strain of continuously battling with my mother trying to convince her to see my point of view. I gave up pursuing all forms of creativity; I stopped playing music, drawing, sculpting, etc. Everything that reminded me of those words from my mother left me feeling disgusted and confused with myself. Essentially I learned to shut down my identity to appeal to what I believed was expected of me. This would send me down a path of depression, anger, and anxiety that I almost did not recover from. For years I battled these emotions not necessarily realizing what the source was. It wasn’t until after I graduated college, an accomplishment that was quickly overshadowed in months by the Covid pandemic, did I try to reach back to myself, and thus started a healing process that would also take some years.

As I now go through this journey of using fashion and other lenses to create a discussion around mental health, I recognize that a lot of the people that I have had discussions within their respective spaces have gone through some type of trauma or despair, especially at an early age. On some level I believe people who become creatives channel from a darker time of their lives to create expression. It can often be lonely wallowing in your uniqueness, fighting to be understood by those who have no desire to understand. As I am also on a new spiritual journey, I don't expect every reader to resonate with what I have to say, but a theme of returning to youth has been recurring in my life. In the book of Matthew chapter eighteen, the lord says “Truly I tell you, unless you change and become like little children, you will never enter the kingdom of heaven”. This obviously has its own meaning in biblical context, but the idea transports me back to my childhood, when my creativity was beginning to blossom. Creativity to me in essence comes from a child-like state of mind. The willingness to question everything around you, values, status quo, emotions, etc, are all at their peak when we were children trying to make sense of the world around us. As humans, we ought to look to each other with more trusting faith, and acceptance of each and every one of our own limitations. However, also in this unkind world, learn to show up for yourself when nobody else will.